Chocolate Bunnies and Such...

It's a little after midnight, and I'm wide awake, after sleeping for a couple of hours. Eating an entire chocolate bunny.

And my, oh my - is it good.

They told me night shift would do this to me. I'd wake up to what is our "normal dinner time," around 1 am, and be so hungry. Well, it's true and the box with no chocolate bunny is the only evidence.

I figured since I am awake I might as well catch up on my writing about "life." Which is going so well right now. I love my new job, working 3 nights a week, bedside nursing on an oncology unit. It's where my heart belongs. It also gives me so much more time with Sean and the girls, and just time to run errands.
 
Today, Sean and I got the chance to enjoy the Masters. Obviously, to those not from Augusta, you may not appreciate the tradition, but we had a wonderful time sitting on the 16th hole, watching the golfers come through. I do appreciate golf, however, I may actually appreciate people watching a little more.

And who doesn't love the Pro Shop? (We went three times! Yikes!)

It was such a good day.

Tomorrow we plan on taking a trip to the park, after we work on the back yard a little bit.

We are trying to sell our house, so we are completely redoing our entire back yard to make our home  a little more appealing. The more we do to it, though, the more I love it and might not want to sell it. It's just become so "homey." But with me working at a hospital downtown, and starting school in the fall, and with Sean moving back to Burke County, a move is a must. We just live too far away from everything.

I think right now I'm basking in the richness that God has given us. No, not monetary richness, but a happy family making happy memories. Life is so good.

Last week, my oldest little was sick with pneumonia, an ear infection and a stomach virus. She was pitiful, and needed three Rocephin shots to get better (she finally doesn't have a cough for the first time this season, praise God!!). And, in the midst of all that sickness, someone mentioned that "I must be making her sick, for attention." Really? I'm still wondering how you give a child pneumonia. And this person also said "I am going to use your blog against you," or something to that effect.

This blog will not come down. I will not delete entries in fear of retribution, because I believe that God helps us help others by stepping out and being truthful. Yes, I do suffer from panic and anxiety, and I believe that God gives me the Grace to handle it. I think - so far - I've done a wonderful job. You need to look no further than my beautiful daughters, who are growing up to know the Grace of God. They are wonderful girls, both with a deep love for Jesus and their families.

My eyes are getting heavy and I'm praying that the caffeine from that decadent chocolate bunny does not keep me awake. It's time to get back to bed, and maybe have a conversation with God. He is so good to me. (Can I say that again?)

Humbly His -
L.

Today Was a WONDERFUL Day!

Yesterday, I had no faith. I had no idea that I could have a good day. But today wasn't just good. It was wonderful. 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

Last night, I was in bed next to Sean, and couldn't sleep. I decided to get up and go to the couch so that he could sleep peacefully. I looked up desiringgod.org on my phone and started listening to one of John Piper's sermons. I fell right to sleep, listening to the word of God. His Word. I SO love Jesus Christ. He held me in His arms as I slept all night. It was wonderful. Sean gently woke me up at 4, as he was getting ready to go to the gym, and moved me to the bed. I watched the news for about an hour, fell back to sleep for another 30 minutes, and woke up to go to work. 

It. Was. Amazing.

Don't get me wrong, today I worried about my heart, of course, and I worried about all of the things that I had to get done that afternoon.

But I got through the day, doing wall sits after each time I went to the restroom, walking the hall as much as I could, and keeping my heart prayerful.

And all those silly things I was worried about yesterday? Well, Sean's ball game got cancelled. He picked Maris up from his mom, and my mom brought Miles to me. Miles and I went grocery shopping, while Sean cooked dinner. I even had time to put my Engagement Chicken in the crockpot, ready to start cooking in the morning. 

I got to do Yoga, and kiss the girls goodnight. Miles even has her PJ's on inside out with a spoon under her pillow, in hopes of snow! (Fingers Crossed!)

I am so joyful, if I wasn't already in bed, I would dance around the room.

Praising God for a day, for the Grace, to get me through the panic - with joy. With happiness. With love.

I hope you had a wonderful day as well.

Time for bed. Thank you, my Lord.

Humbly His,

L.

Why Am I Always So Scared?

I'm sitting here, watching the Oscars while on Facebook, trying to take my mind off of the pain in my left shoulder and jaw. I'm dizzy and I feel frustrated. Once again, I have no idea why God chose THIS to be my thorn. I know that people want me to quit complaining, to give it a rest. And Lord knows, I want this as well.

It's just not that easy. I'm tired. Not sleepy tired, but my body is just tired. I didn't do much today, but go to church, clean out my drawers, and do a little yoga.

I can't believe there is another work week facing me already. With Sean coaching baseball now, I'm having a hard time finding a balance. I know he loves it, so I absolutely encourage it, but I'm overwhelmed with the thought of getting off of work, picking up both girls, going to the grocery store, cooking dinner, bathing the girls and getting them off to bed before he gets home.

That's it.

I'm tired just thinking of what tomorrow will bring. But won't tomorrow take care of itself? Won't God go before me? Why don't I trust that? Why am I always so afraid that I will not get everything done?

And even more, why am I so afraid of EVERYTHING?

Can you tell it's one of those days? So let's lift each other up. In all of our trials and tribulations, God is with us, will go before us, and give us tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be beautiful.

Humbly His-
L.

A Little Break from Writing...

I have been so busy lately, that I really have not had time to keep up with the blog. I'm hoping that will change, now.

The past two weeks have been super stressful for my family and I, but we have been blessed and God has continuously gone before us. We praise Him.

Sean was asked to return to Burke County High School (yay, Sean!). This is such a compliment to Sean, because Burke County has the strongest football program in our area. The only problem is - it's about an hour and 15 minutes away from our house.

He doesn't mind the commute, but there was absolutely no way I could continue working the hours that I am working, being on call 24/7, and driving the commute I drive five days a week. So, I had to resign from my position and find another job. Luckily, University Hospital had an opening and chose me immediately. Another way God went before us.

I am so sad to leave Shepeard. I loved working with such a small company, because it does become a second family. But I honestly saw my children for maybe an hour and a half each night, and then time for bed. I am looking forward to this summer, where I can take Miles and Maris to the pool on the week days while Sean is out in Burke County for football practice.

Yes, I will be working nights. Yes, I know it will be hard. Yes, that gives me even more reason to push myself.

And everyone knows how I adore oncology patients. They fight the hardest battles, and I learn so much from their struggles, and their victories. I love watching God go before them.

Even though the weeks have been stressful, I have only had one little meltdown last Wednesday. I got news I didn't want and it has left me feeling a little empty. I know that my family will overcome, but I will push through it. Maybe I will write more about it later, maybe I won't.

I've become a little more private recently, and I think that is okay. I still want to be available to help people who suffer from anxiety and panic. The more people I can help, talk things out with, the more I heal myself. I am becoming stronger.

I'm on a health kick, drinking an orange juice and apple cider vinegar tonic everyday, and doing yoga at least five days per week. I've definitely been more prayerful.

For some reason, something is weighing heavy on my heart. I've searched and cannot find out quite what it is yet, but am praying that I will be relieved of it soon. I'm sure God is going before in me in whatever this is, as well.

I hope to be back tomorrow.

Prayerfully HIS.
-L

Love Story Part Two

It was freezing, and the wind was wicked. I had been invited to a high school football game, and in spite of the fact that it had been years since I had been to a football game, I decided to go. Especially since the guy inviting me had been one of my good friends throughout high school - more so, my senior year.

It was Burke County versus Thomson, November 2011. Burke was on a roll and this was one of the biggest games of the year. I dressed in my blue and black, convinced a friend to go with me, and off we went, to brave the cold at one of the wildest high school games I'd ever been to.

It was frigid.

I caught a glimpse of Sean as he was leaving the field and he shouted a quick hello. And then he disappeared, blending in with his team. "He looks exactly like he did in high school," my friend said.

Yes, he did.

The Burke County Bears won that night. It was my first taste of the excitement of watching a team that plays to win. These boys were bad. The coaches were bad - the head coach being a hall of famer. And, the more I looked, the assistant coach was pretty good looking himself.

Because my divorce was not yet final, Sean and I agreed that we would not see each other until it was. I knew in my heart it was wrong to even entertain the idea of dating before the divorce was complete, and Lord knows, I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize my morals and especially my time with Miles.

And then, it was final. And I think the first time we really hung out was at a wedding. He was a groomsman, I was just an innocent bystander. I had no idea what I was in for. That night we talked and laughed and just enjoyed ourselves. It was really the first time I had fun in months. Months after realizing that I was drowning in my tears, and my daughter was suffering from my sadness.

Miles first birthday party and baptismal day was that December. The night before, Sean's team played at the Georgia Dome for the state championship. Decked from head to toe in my blue and black and cowboy boots, I watched his boys take State. I couldn't have been happier for him. I'm not sure I've ever had so much fun. Running down onto the field, grabbing a quick kiss, I knew I could get used to being in his big arms.

I drove home from Atlanta that night on a high. I was so excited. Finally excited about life.

That was the start of a great year. Sean built me up from a 90 lb. skeleton, into a 110 lb woman who loved herself, took care of herself, and valued trust and family again. We went walking every day, worked out together and he got me on a protein regimen. The scars of a failed marriage were starting to fade.

Miles would go with us on our daily walks, she getting used to Sean and Sean getting used to her. She loved him, and he was slowly falling in love with her. How could you not love that sweet baby?

And then, one day, I knew that Miles and I could no longer live with my parents, or my grandparents. As much as I love them, I knew that she and I had to build a life together on our own. I began searching for an apartment, when Sean offered us his home. I couldn't believe it. What man would offer a girl he'd only been dating for 3 months his home, and move back in with his parents? He paid the mortgage, he paid the bills, and Miles and I began to rebuild. I was completely moved by his generosity and willingness to put my daughter and I ahead of himself.

He truly loved us. Miles learned to sleep in a big girl bed in his house (although most nights she slept with me). And I loved him for that.

That May, we were walking around the track, just he and I. I could tell he was nervous and something was on his mind. He walked ahead of me and we sat on a bench together.

And he got on one knee. Inside a green box was my great-grandmothers wedding ring, that had been completely restored. The ring that I had always wanted, the meaning more beautiful than the diamonds themselves. Almost 15 years after first meeting this man, I was engaged to him. I didn't say yes without reservation though. I have to admit that I was scared out of my mind.

But Sean eased it. He did everything to erase those reservations. He would get off from work, and would meet me at his house. I would cook or he, Miles and I would go to dinner. We would both say prayers with Miles, and then he would leave, knowing he couldn't be there after she was in bed. I have to say, Sean and I did everything right when it came to that precious child. And I just knew.

There were times when I would get down, and grief would rear it's ugly head. Sean always had my back. He never judged my tears, never chastised my hurt. He only wiped them away.

We made it through another exciting Burke County football season, this time only making it to the playoffs, but making a fantastic run of it.

We were married in December - a Christmas wedding in a twilight barn. It was beautiful, but cold. And I wasn't a bit nervous walking down that aisle. I knew I was making the very best decision for Miles and I. Sean was the best decision I could have ever made.

The next day, life was back to normal. Normal for Sean and I anyways. I went straight back to work, and he was on Christmas break. Our family's first Christmas was more exciting than you can imagine.

And our next year would bring more miracles!

That cold November night, God was showing me "The Grace." And it's a grace that I will always, always thank Him for.

Humbly His,
L.

"And the greatest of these....is love..."

Love Story Part One (Series of Four)

I remember the day like it was yesterday. December 7, 2010. I was getting ready and my golden retriever, Scout, looked up at me as if to ask, "Mama, when is that baby coming?" Little did I know she would come that very day.

I arrived at my doctors appointment for my second non stress test and biophysical profile. I wasn't measuring quite 36 weeks, but I was exactly 39 weeks pregnant. I wasn't so nervous, this little girl had scored perfectly on her first.

I kicked my feet up and sat back in the chair. My contractions were regular, but not strong enough to indicate labor. My mema was with me. We chatted, and every time I felt that little one kick, I pressed a button. I didn't press that button very often. The tech brought me a coke to drink, to try to get her to move a little more. Didn't happen. They took the monitors off of me.

I went to another room for a detailed ultrasound. The ultrasound technician had the best poker face. "Well, it looks like she scored may have scored a 6 out of 10, but I'm leaning toward giving her a 4 out of 10 because she wasn't moving as much as we would like at this time."

Hold up. A 4? Out of 10? What's going on with this baby?

I put my clothes on and was taken to the exam room. My doctor walked in, as calm and collected as he always is. "Lauren, I think we're going to have a baby today."

But, I wasn't in labor. I still had another week. I didn't even have my bags packed!

"She needs to come today. She's stopped growing, and you're not growing. We can start you on a Pitocin drip and try to induce, but I'm afraid that would cause her distress. I think the safest thing for your baby is an emergency C-section."

"Of course. Do whatever is best for my baby," I stuttered.

My baby.

I got dressed and went to check in downstairs. I started tearing up, as my blessed mema, who had been by my side since day one, made the appropriate phone calls. There I was, excited as could be, but also as nervous as could be - surgery just sprung on me out of nowhere. But I couldn't wait to see that beautiful face that had laid near my heart for the past 9 months.

I remember people coming in and out of my room. I remember the nurses having the hardest time finding a vein for an IV. I remember pictures being taken and the surgical techs coming to get me. And I remember being terrified.

As soon as I was rolled into that cold, stark white room, I remember nothing but fear. The surgical techs were wonderful at taking my mind off of the actual surgery, but I began shaking uncontrollably. I'm not sure if it was nerves or the temperature, but the tremors were frightening. And the spinal block was placed, I was laid back and the curtain was pulled up. My chest and arms were strapped to the operating table. Just putting it into words make my stomach turn.

My sweet, docile doc talked me through the entire process. He explained everything that he was doing.

"I should have her out in less than two minutes, Lauren. Just relax."

And then, there she was. Her beautiful cry. She was absolutely the most stunning creature that I had ever seen. She was laid next to me, and the tears of joy started pouring from my eyes.

And I don't remember much after that. My doctor had instructed the anesthesiologist to give me something to help me relax and sleep as soon as I saw her. I did relax, but I didn't sleep. For two days, I didn't sleep.

I was so thankful to be released from recovery to snuggle that sweet baby girl.

Miles Usry - the most beautiful girl in the world, my precious gift from God.

That evening I remember vividly. It can probably be remembered as the most special night of my life. My mama stayed with me, making a bed on the couch. Everyone had been gone for over an hour. Sweet Miles was lying in the bassinet next to my bed.

"Lauren, she is sleeping, it's time for you to sleep." I know my mom must have made that command no less than four times that night.

"Mama, I'm not tired."

"You are going to be exhausted. Just get some sleep."

I flipped through the news channels as mama dozed. I looked over at the sweet face, the one that had made me a mama. I silently thanked God, for both girls on either side of me.

CNN announced the news that one of my favorite women in the public eye, Elizabeth Edwards, had lost her battle to a disease my mom fought only years before. I think, that very moment, I realized just how blessed I was, and am, in this life.

I laid my head to the side, afraid to move, because the block was slowly wearing off. I fell into the twilight sleep when Miles let out a strong cry. It was time for her to eat. And eat she did, earning (much to my chagrin) the nickname "Miss Piggy" by the nursery nurses. How dare them call this petite 6 lb 4 oz baby a pig? My mom still laughs at how angry this made me.

My mom jumped up, immediately after hearing her cry and helped put her in my arms so she could eat. And when she finished, she told me once again, "Lauren, go to sleep, the sun's about to come up."

My mama fell back to sleep and I reached over to grab that sweet, sleep drunk baby and cuddled her in my arms. I breathed in her smell. I rubbed her tiny feet. And on the 6 o'clock news, a church was trying to raise money to give a former patient the best Christmas ever, because it was to be her last. She was only 23 and she was dying. Tears slid down my cheeks, and I wiped them away before I soaked my child. And I watched the sun rise.

So much joy, and so much sadness.

This would be a preface to my life, from then on, as I knew it.

I would spend two full days in the hospital and then was released to go live as a mama.

A blessed mama. The beginning of my love story.

This is "The Grace."

Humbly His,
L.

Beautiful Feet

"And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, "How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!" - Romans 10:15

"We must take God's great message of salvation to others so that they can respond to the Good News. How will your loved ones and neighbors hear it unless someone tells them? Is God calling you to take a part in making his message known to your community? Think of one person who needs to hear the Good News, and think of something you can do to help him or her hear it. Then take that step as soon as possible." - Life Application Study Bible

This blog is full of my worries and downfalls and shortcomings and panic. And I think that's okay, it's definitely a therapeutic way to express my feelings without completely curling up in fetal position and sobbing my heart out. Which is what I feel like doing a lot of the time.

Like, today. Nope, I didn't receive "the Grace" that I was hoping to today. At least not in the way I wanted to. There were thoughts racing through my head as I drove home tonight and began to feel the worry strangling me, like "What if I have spent my last Christmas with my girls?" "What if I die and never get to hold my husbands hand under a table during a one on one date again?" and "What if my family never knows just how much I adore each and every one of them. My mama. My daddy. My Grandparents. Sean and the kiddos. My brother and his sweet family and my sister and her adorable boyfriend." I still have so much love to give.

I better start now, right?

And then I read about the girl with the brain tumor who plans to take the medication to kill herself on Saturday. I want to shake her and say "Honey, we all suffer, but just live! JUST LIVE!" And then I realize I need to take a nice, hard look in the mirror.

And I've seen people suffer from cancer before, so I'm not making any judgements on that one.

I want this blog to bring people to Jesus. I want to have beautiful feet. (I totally don't right now. I need a manicure desperately, but am not ashamed that I cannot afford that luxury right now).

But really, beautiful feet. It's my job. My purpose in life. If I don't ever see another Christmas, or another romantic evening out with my husband, I want people to know that I love the Lord, and that He gave His life for all of us. Every. Single. One. Even the least of these.

So the next time you see someone asking for money on the street downtown, ignore the immediate thoughts that pop into your head, like "He's just going to use it to buy booze." (Come on, you know you all do it.) Give him a dollar or two. You may be helping him buy his heart medication, or may be giving him a warm meal.

The next time your grandparent or elderly neighbor needs help, give up your Saturday shopping or  sitting on the couch watching football, and help.

When your family wants you to come for a get together, but you need to clean your house, go celebrate and fellowship with your family.

It's time to be the beautiful feet of Jesus.

From now on, I'm going to look for ways to be the feet of Jesus. Everywhere. All of the time.

But right now, I need to go hold hands with my husband and watch TV.

Humbly His,
L.