Love Story Part One (Series of Four)

I remember the day like it was yesterday. December 7, 2010. I was getting ready and my golden retriever, Scout, looked up at me as if to ask, "Mama, when is that baby coming?" Little did I know she would come that very day.

I arrived at my doctors appointment for my second non stress test and biophysical profile. I wasn't measuring quite 36 weeks, but I was exactly 39 weeks pregnant. I wasn't so nervous, this little girl had scored perfectly on her first.

I kicked my feet up and sat back in the chair. My contractions were regular, but not strong enough to indicate labor. My mema was with me. We chatted, and every time I felt that little one kick, I pressed a button. I didn't press that button very often. The tech brought me a coke to drink, to try to get her to move a little more. Didn't happen. They took the monitors off of me.

I went to another room for a detailed ultrasound. The ultrasound technician had the best poker face. "Well, it looks like she scored may have scored a 6 out of 10, but I'm leaning toward giving her a 4 out of 10 because she wasn't moving as much as we would like at this time."

Hold up. A 4? Out of 10? What's going on with this baby?

I put my clothes on and was taken to the exam room. My doctor walked in, as calm and collected as he always is. "Lauren, I think we're going to have a baby today."

But, I wasn't in labor. I still had another week. I didn't even have my bags packed!

"She needs to come today. She's stopped growing, and you're not growing. We can start you on a Pitocin drip and try to induce, but I'm afraid that would cause her distress. I think the safest thing for your baby is an emergency C-section."

"Of course. Do whatever is best for my baby," I stuttered.

My baby.

I got dressed and went to check in downstairs. I started tearing up, as my blessed mema, who had been by my side since day one, made the appropriate phone calls. There I was, excited as could be, but also as nervous as could be - surgery just sprung on me out of nowhere. But I couldn't wait to see that beautiful face that had laid near my heart for the past 9 months.

I remember people coming in and out of my room. I remember the nurses having the hardest time finding a vein for an IV. I remember pictures being taken and the surgical techs coming to get me. And I remember being terrified.

As soon as I was rolled into that cold, stark white room, I remember nothing but fear. The surgical techs were wonderful at taking my mind off of the actual surgery, but I began shaking uncontrollably. I'm not sure if it was nerves or the temperature, but the tremors were frightening. And the spinal block was placed, I was laid back and the curtain was pulled up. My chest and arms were strapped to the operating table. Just putting it into words make my stomach turn.

My sweet, docile doc talked me through the entire process. He explained everything that he was doing.

"I should have her out in less than two minutes, Lauren. Just relax."

And then, there she was. Her beautiful cry. She was absolutely the most stunning creature that I had ever seen. She was laid next to me, and the tears of joy started pouring from my eyes.

And I don't remember much after that. My doctor had instructed the anesthesiologist to give me something to help me relax and sleep as soon as I saw her. I did relax, but I didn't sleep. For two days, I didn't sleep.

I was so thankful to be released from recovery to snuggle that sweet baby girl.

Miles Usry - the most beautiful girl in the world, my precious gift from God.

That evening I remember vividly. It can probably be remembered as the most special night of my life. My mama stayed with me, making a bed on the couch. Everyone had been gone for over an hour. Sweet Miles was lying in the bassinet next to my bed.

"Lauren, she is sleeping, it's time for you to sleep." I know my mom must have made that command no less than four times that night.

"Mama, I'm not tired."

"You are going to be exhausted. Just get some sleep."

I flipped through the news channels as mama dozed. I looked over at the sweet face, the one that had made me a mama. I silently thanked God, for both girls on either side of me.

CNN announced the news that one of my favorite women in the public eye, Elizabeth Edwards, had lost her battle to a disease my mom fought only years before. I think, that very moment, I realized just how blessed I was, and am, in this life.

I laid my head to the side, afraid to move, because the block was slowly wearing off. I fell into the twilight sleep when Miles let out a strong cry. It was time for her to eat. And eat she did, earning (much to my chagrin) the nickname "Miss Piggy" by the nursery nurses. How dare them call this petite 6 lb 4 oz baby a pig? My mom still laughs at how angry this made me.

My mom jumped up, immediately after hearing her cry and helped put her in my arms so she could eat. And when she finished, she told me once again, "Lauren, go to sleep, the sun's about to come up."

My mama fell back to sleep and I reached over to grab that sweet, sleep drunk baby and cuddled her in my arms. I breathed in her smell. I rubbed her tiny feet. And on the 6 o'clock news, a church was trying to raise money to give a former patient the best Christmas ever, because it was to be her last. She was only 23 and she was dying. Tears slid down my cheeks, and I wiped them away before I soaked my child. And I watched the sun rise.

So much joy, and so much sadness.

This would be a preface to my life, from then on, as I knew it.

I would spend two full days in the hospital and then was released to go live as a mama.

A blessed mama. The beginning of my love story.

This is "The Grace."

Humbly His,
L.

Beautiful Feet

"And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is why the Scriptures say, "How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news!" - Romans 10:15

"We must take God's great message of salvation to others so that they can respond to the Good News. How will your loved ones and neighbors hear it unless someone tells them? Is God calling you to take a part in making his message known to your community? Think of one person who needs to hear the Good News, and think of something you can do to help him or her hear it. Then take that step as soon as possible." - Life Application Study Bible

This blog is full of my worries and downfalls and shortcomings and panic. And I think that's okay, it's definitely a therapeutic way to express my feelings without completely curling up in fetal position and sobbing my heart out. Which is what I feel like doing a lot of the time.

Like, today. Nope, I didn't receive "the Grace" that I was hoping to today. At least not in the way I wanted to. There were thoughts racing through my head as I drove home tonight and began to feel the worry strangling me, like "What if I have spent my last Christmas with my girls?" "What if I die and never get to hold my husbands hand under a table during a one on one date again?" and "What if my family never knows just how much I adore each and every one of them. My mama. My daddy. My Grandparents. Sean and the kiddos. My brother and his sweet family and my sister and her adorable boyfriend." I still have so much love to give.

I better start now, right?

And then I read about the girl with the brain tumor who plans to take the medication to kill herself on Saturday. I want to shake her and say "Honey, we all suffer, but just live! JUST LIVE!" And then I realize I need to take a nice, hard look in the mirror.

And I've seen people suffer from cancer before, so I'm not making any judgements on that one.

I want this blog to bring people to Jesus. I want to have beautiful feet. (I totally don't right now. I need a manicure desperately, but am not ashamed that I cannot afford that luxury right now).

But really, beautiful feet. It's my job. My purpose in life. If I don't ever see another Christmas, or another romantic evening out with my husband, I want people to know that I love the Lord, and that He gave His life for all of us. Every. Single. One. Even the least of these.

So the next time you see someone asking for money on the street downtown, ignore the immediate thoughts that pop into your head, like "He's just going to use it to buy booze." (Come on, you know you all do it.) Give him a dollar or two. You may be helping him buy his heart medication, or may be giving him a warm meal.

The next time your grandparent or elderly neighbor needs help, give up your Saturday shopping or  sitting on the couch watching football, and help.

When your family wants you to come for a get together, but you need to clean your house, go celebrate and fellowship with your family.

It's time to be the beautiful feet of Jesus.

From now on, I'm going to look for ways to be the feet of Jesus. Everywhere. All of the time.

But right now, I need to go hold hands with my husband and watch TV.

Humbly His,
L.

The Most Disjointed Post Ever (aka - I'm in the Midst of a Panic Attack)

"And Jesus says whoever loses his life for me will find it -- and if you try to save your life, you'll lose it. Does anyone believe Him?

Whoever wants to save his life will definitely lose it." - Ann Voskamp

Right now, I'm having a panic attack. I've actually been panicking all day. It hasn't been too terrible. I've been able to work, to answer phone calls, to love on babies, and to cook dinner and give baths. But as the night comes to a close (my most dreaded part of the day), I feel the panic wrap its fingers around my neck, strangling.

And I think back to the devotion I read by Ann Voskamp today (have I mentioned how much I love her? how much she speaks to my tattered soul? well, she does).

Her words, summarizing the words of Jesus, lit up my mind, as I related them to my anxiety.

I give my life to you, Lord. I die to myself.

I will no longer try to save my life.

The next time I feel the panic strangling me (like right now), I have decided to let it go. Let it fall through me. And Jesus can save me if that is His will. And if it is not His will, He can bring me to Him.

I've died to the world. And am living for Him.

I am pretty sure this is not the end of my anxiety. It's not the end of my panic attacks, and I will probably worry...a lot, from time to time. But I'm definitely going to flag this post and refer back to it when I feel like running to the hospital or running to the doctor...or just running away.

I will embrace the exhaustion. Because that means I have worked hard so that Miles can take ballet and tap, and Maris can have a wonderful first birthday party. I will have stayed up reading them stories, bathing them, cooking them dinner, and letting Miles crack the eggs.

I will embrace the anxiety. Because I can actually FEEL. I have emotion. I care about others - the least of these. I worry about my girls and about my husband and about our well-being. I do become anxious, yes, but I become anxious because I love SO much. It's beautiful, from that perspective.

Tonight, I was talking to my grandaddy, the great grandfather of Miles and Maris. I told him how I would so much rather be in pain than feel the anxiety shooting through my veins. How it would be wonderful to not worry anymore. And, he completely agreed with me. He told me "Yes. So would I. But I've found as you get older, it gets better." And if anyone knows, it's him. And it felt SO good, that someone would relate to me. That someone would validate my feelings.

I still believe that Jesus can take this away. Without giving me pain, without making me suffer. I have many people praying for me. Those who don't even know me. And for that, I am so thankful.

I can't wait until my next experience with The Grace.

I pray I can write about that experience tomorrow.

Humbly His,
L.

Warning - This Could Possibly Be a Pity Party Post (but not on purpose)...

The past few days have been trying. As much as I try to live with joy in my heart and in my soul, deep down, I know it's just not real.

I'm just not happy.

What does it feel like to feel normal?

I just don't remember.

What does it feel like to not worry ALL of the time> All of you in blog land may not believe me, I'm sure. I worry ALL OF THE TIME. It's literally exhausting. And coming off of my medication isn't helping. Taking my medicine makes me feel awful. Coming off makes me feel awful.

Where is the balance?

Am I sharing too much?

I don't care. I'm calling out again. Jesus, please take it away. PLEASE, just take it away. Please let me feel like I felt when I was 25, and had no thought of death, no fear of dying, no fear of my girls being split up. Give me pain over this. I'll take anything, over this hell I'm in.

I absolutely hate falling asleep, because I know at 4:45 am (or earlier) I'm going to wake up, with a high heart rate and shortness of breath. I'll take my medicine and get some more sleep, but wake up feeling (and looking) like a complete zombie. But a zombie, with adrenaline surging through my veins.

Life just isn't supposed to be like this.

Waking up with shortness of breath is scary. It's SO scary. It's like I gasp and can't get enough air.

The other night I prayed myself to sleep. I prayed that God would protect Miles. I prayed that God would protect Maris. I prayed that God would protect Sean. And finally, I prayed....and I prayed...and I prayed, that God would take the anxiousness away from me. It was a repetitive "Please God, take away my anxiety. Please God, take away my anxiety..."

But again - He hasn't.

And it's so disheartening to know that I'm going to wake up one day, and it will feel like tomorrow, and I will be 50 years old. My girls will be grown. And I will have missed it all. I will have missed the true happiness of my daughters (even though I fake every ounce of joy I can squeeze out of my being for those two) and I will miss out on joyful moments that I should be sharing with my husband.

When does enough become enough? When will I finally get that peace that Jesus got, when He knew He had to get off of his knees and walk towards the cross. When will I have that kind of strength?

I know y'all are all probably going to think I'm losing it after this post.

I'm not losing it, I promise. I'm just desperate. Begging for normalcy. Begging to be able to give my WHOLE self, first to Him, second to my husband, and third - to my precious girls.

I may feel like giving up, but I'm not going to. I'm just not. I may need to take a time out every now and again - but there is no giving up in this life. Three years ago, I went through hell, and made it out, shining as bright as the sun. I will do it again.

The anxiety will NOT kill me.

But I am so weary, and broken hearted. Waiting on my rest...

HUMBLY His,
L.

Post #2 in 5 hours.

I'm sitting here, sipping black tea (decaffeinated), trying to naturally lower my cortisol levels. I've taken my heart medicine, I fell asleep, and woke up an hour later with a heart rate of 95. A bounding 95. I don't understand it.

I just need sleep.

These worries are crowding my mind, and as much as I talk to God, they aren't going away.

And coming off of my anxiety medicine is like a living hell. I've had a migraine all day, and now, the tremors.

Another sleepless night.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

With God's help, I CAN do this.

Sorry for the random post, I just needed to write this, breathe, and sip.

I am giving EVERYTHING to you, Lord.

Always Humbly His,
L.

A Family in Transition

"We want big directional signs from God. God just wants us to pay attention." - Lysa Terkeurst

I. Am. Exhausted.

E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D.

It all started yesterday, around 3 in the afternoon. I was sitting at my desk at work, so excited about the weekend ahead. Five day weeks are so long. Two day weekends are SO short. So we try to pack as much love and life into every weekend as possible, beginning Friday evenings.

Miles (my oldest little) was invited to a birthday party at her favorite place on Friday afternoon. We had talked about it all week, and I was ready to rush home, pick her up, and run her back down to every childs favorite pizza/token/music/rides wonderland. And then I got a call from my mom.

Miles had not only hit Maris (my youngest little), but she had also hit another child at the "in home daycare" she stays at during the work days. My heart broke right there, as I stared into a computer screen full of e-mails I had yet to delete.

Why?

For some reason, lately, Miles has become very angry, lashing out at people - especially her little sister. Obviously, anyone who has ever had a younger sibling knows that there is always jealousy. But lately it's gotten way out of hand. And to hit another child, who is two years younger than she, and who would never hurt her.

I also have to say that Miles is a precious child. Last night, I watched her sit next to another little girl at Sean's football game and ask her if she'd like to have some of her cotton candy. And she shared and always offered more. This small child has a big heart.

And then there's today. Where she's been defiant and hurtful and refusing to listen to anything Sean or I say.

And I'm tired.

Not this week, but the next, we plan that Miles will start a K 3 - with children her own age. I am nervous, but hopeful that she will begin to develop better coping skills, because I think that maybe....just maybe, Miles is learning how to cope.

She realizes that both Maris' mommy and daddy live together. But she only has her mama. And we can play up (and truly believe) that Miles is Sean's bonus daughter, that he loves her and would give up anything for her - but that only goes so far in her own mind. She knows that her real dad lives 3 hours away (by plane) and that she doesn't get to see him very often.

So in the midst of my anxiety, I am searching everywhere for answers. I search in the Bible, I search in books, I pray and ask God to just give me answers. But what God really wants is for me to pay attention. Very close attention.

I pray that Miles knows that she is so very loved. And that she finds better ways to deal with what will be her life for the next 14 years. My biggest prayer, however, is that she always know Christ - and His will for her. And that she has tons of people behind her, praying her through this life.

I'm paying attention, God. I will be patient with my child, and love her, love both of them. I am so thankful that You have entrusted me with these two. I love them with all of my being. Just give me the answers when You are ready, and please bless us along the way.

Humbly His,
L.

Peace in Failure

I love the way my New Living Translation Bible defines peace.

"Peace (n) - a state of tranquility or quiet; a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity; harmony in personal relations, especially with God; a state of security or order within a community; freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions."-NLT

Amen.

And again, I say amen.

I have failed miserably in my journey. But I am beginning to make peace with failing. Failing will be a part of my journey. I will stand up, skinned knees and all, pick the pebbles out of my palms, brush the dirt from my stained jeans, and begin walking forward again.

I have a new focus. A healthy me.

I started this blog wanting to discuss my anxiety, and I will absolutely continue to do so. It's the only way to have people REALLY accept me...those who want to, anyway. I also want to help others know that they are not alone - fighting those monsters in the dark. Either in the darkness of the night or the darkness of their mind.

I want to be healthy. I have been doing short 7 minute exercises guided by a new app on my phone. My goal by the end of this week to be doing these twice a day. Also, controlling my food intake. Ridding my body of sugar, ALL caffeine, getting back on my protein shakes - daily. And finally, and most importantly, prayer.

I've thought very hard about deleting my Facebook account for good, but there are so many I keep in contact with, if only to let them know that I am praying for them. It's a definite distraction, which is great for me. It keeps me closer to God, keeps my heart focused on Him and prayerful at all times. And it also lets me show off my beautiful girls and my way handsome husband (who is battling a head cold right now, bless his heart).

I want to keep giving, as well. As we say in the church - of my prayers, my presence, my gifts and my service. Let me know if you need any help.

I want to be like Matthew. I know that following Jesus includes suffering. My suffering may be my anxiety, my struggle.

Matthew was a tax collector - he gave that up to follow Jesus. I want to give up everything and follow Him. I want to be given new life.

Please be in prayer that my heart, first of all, always remains prayerful. Secondly, pray that I continue to exercise and make my body stronger. Lastly, pray that what I put in my body keeps my body at peaceful levels.

There are so many things to live for. But there is nothing without Him.

He is peace in my failures. He is The Grace.

Humbly His,
L.

Becoming "Refined"

1 Peter 1:7

"so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ"

So, yes, I must admit that I am very upset about the status of Todd Gurley and the University of Georgia football team right now.

And yes, we have a stressful weekend coming up.

And this week was VERY stressful.

Yesterday, I had to pick Miles up from the sweet lady who keeps her, due to her bad behavior. I know, I know, she's three years old, three year olds go through this, I've heard it again and again.

But this child was not taught to behave badly. She has only been taught to treat her sister with love and adoration. "Love others, as I have loved you." Jesus' words are taught in our home.

I was devastated to hear how badly my daughter acted, and I'm just beside myself. With the help of my mama, and her grandmothers, and Sean, I am trying to decipher the best plan for Miles at this point. 

Is this a test? I'm not sure.

I'm pretty open on this blog, and I try to be honest and forthcoming about EVERYTHING in my life, but there are some things that I do have to keep personal for my family's sake - at this point. I may, one day, be able to share all of my secrets, let you all know about all of my stressors....and ALL of my celebrations!

I've received the sweetest messages this week. From Facebook messages, to texts, to phone calls. One sweet lady even told me that she felt like God was "refining" me. Wow. Me, refined? That sounds so nice...so why not believe it?

The Grace. It's all there.

He is refining me. He is refining Miles. He is refining Sean. He is refining Maris (God bless her temper). And he even may be refining sweet Sunday!

This blog post is really just a thanks. A thank you to each of you who support me everyday with your prayers, your love, your messages. For those of you who believe that I am being refined in my struggles

And hopefully, with my next blog post, I can be a little more honest about what is happening in my life.

Today was a good day.

Humbly His,
L.

My Beautiful Weekend

What a great weekend. Friday night, Miles and I went shopping to get ready for an overnight trip to Lake Burton. Of course, it's the first cold weekend of the year, so the girls and I were totally unprepared (I was pregnant this time last year). Thank the good Lord for a fantastic sale at GAP and some super cute clothes!

I put the girls to bed, and started getting ready. Sean and I were able to get some good sleep, as he had a night off from coaching. It was nice to have a Friday to watch TV and snuggle with him.

Saturday morning, the girls and I got up early, got baths and got on the road. The drive up was nothing short of beautiful. It has been too long since I have been to the North Georgia mountains, and to go some place as secluded as Lake Burton was fantastic. Our view was breathtaking, the mountains on the horizon, the water as clear as glass. You could seriously see straight to the bottom.

God's handiwork, for sure.

Lauren and Ashley are two of my best friends from Emory, and I am so blessed to have them in my life. We can go a year or more without seeing each other, but we are as close as ever when we are finally in each others company. (And they were so good with my girls, who can be a total handful!)

We did the "touristy" things - we went to Babyland General, and saw a baby boy Cabbage Patch being born. (Miles didn't want anything to do with that - total tomboy!) We then went to Helen and walked around. Of course, we had to go to the Hansel and Gretel candy store to get sweets, and then boiled peanuts. And we were totally cool with stopping and grabbing a bite to eat at the little "German" Wendy's (we all know Miles' food groups are french fries, cornbread, crowder peas and ice cream).

My favorite part of the evening was walking down to the boat ramp back at Lake Burton, and just staring at the sunset with two of my best friends, and the babies. God is so good.

Last night, we ate chili, cornbread and salad. Ash had to leave early to teach Sunday school this morning, so Lauren, Miles and I stayed up and just chatted.

I cannot tell you how nice it was to not have to worry about anything. No anxiety, no worries - just comfort with people who accept you and your babies as you are. Those that KNOW you.

The anxiety was back, though, in full force this morning, with a teething 11 month old (today!) and worries about getting home.

My anxiety is literally so bad, that I LOOK for the blue "H" signs to know that a hospital is near while I travel. Just in case something should happen. It literally breaks my heart that that is how I live my life. We got on the road around 11, and made really good time, but once I walked in the door, I felt the anxiety all over again.

I fed Maris, put her down for a nap, and put Miles in her room to rest. I tried to lie down with Sunday (our new "double doodle" - pics later!) but I just couldn't relax. Mema (God bless her) came over and sat with me for a bit, and her presence always helps me relax. Whenever she's here, I know that if anything should happen, my girls will be taken care of! And she will come at the drop of a hat!

Another way God has blessed me.

All of these blessings, and I still cannot let go of this anxiety.

I am still not quite sure I'm getting the help I need, my major problem being my heart racing first thing in the morning! I wake up every morning around 4 am to a heart rate of about 150 bpm. And it just sets me off for a bad day.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Pray that my heart just stops doing these crazy things in the mornings and that I am able to wake up without immediately having to take my beta blocker to calm it down. Pray that I can actually "Let Go, and Let God" without taking it all right back.

With such a beautiful weekend so fresh in my mind, I shouldn't be sitting here writing with tears stinging my eyes.

Thank you to Lauren and Ashley for bringing me such comfort and bringing my girls such joy this weekend.

And a continuous thanks to my husband who holds my hand and handles things around the house when I need to take a "time out" and just write.

And to Mema - thank you for just sitting.

Love to all of you, and a big hug to all of you who read and pray.

Humbly His -
L.

"Some Pharisees came to Jesus and said to him, "leave this place and go somewhere else. Herod wants to kill you." He replied, "Go tell that fox....I must keep going today and tomorrow and the next day."" (Luke 13:31-33)

I must keep going.