The Most Disjointed Post Ever (aka - I'm in the Midst of a Panic Attack)

"And Jesus says whoever loses his life for me will find it -- and if you try to save your life, you'll lose it. Does anyone believe Him?

Whoever wants to save his life will definitely lose it." - Ann Voskamp

Right now, I'm having a panic attack. I've actually been panicking all day. It hasn't been too terrible. I've been able to work, to answer phone calls, to love on babies, and to cook dinner and give baths. But as the night comes to a close (my most dreaded part of the day), I feel the panic wrap its fingers around my neck, strangling.

And I think back to the devotion I read by Ann Voskamp today (have I mentioned how much I love her? how much she speaks to my tattered soul? well, she does).

Her words, summarizing the words of Jesus, lit up my mind, as I related them to my anxiety.

I give my life to you, Lord. I die to myself.

I will no longer try to save my life.

The next time I feel the panic strangling me (like right now), I have decided to let it go. Let it fall through me. And Jesus can save me if that is His will. And if it is not His will, He can bring me to Him.

I've died to the world. And am living for Him.

I am pretty sure this is not the end of my anxiety. It's not the end of my panic attacks, and I will probably worry...a lot, from time to time. But I'm definitely going to flag this post and refer back to it when I feel like running to the hospital or running to the doctor...or just running away.

I will embrace the exhaustion. Because that means I have worked hard so that Miles can take ballet and tap, and Maris can have a wonderful first birthday party. I will have stayed up reading them stories, bathing them, cooking them dinner, and letting Miles crack the eggs.

I will embrace the anxiety. Because I can actually FEEL. I have emotion. I care about others - the least of these. I worry about my girls and about my husband and about our well-being. I do become anxious, yes, but I become anxious because I love SO much. It's beautiful, from that perspective.

Tonight, I was talking to my grandaddy, the great grandfather of Miles and Maris. I told him how I would so much rather be in pain than feel the anxiety shooting through my veins. How it would be wonderful to not worry anymore. And, he completely agreed with me. He told me "Yes. So would I. But I've found as you get older, it gets better." And if anyone knows, it's him. And it felt SO good, that someone would relate to me. That someone would validate my feelings.

I still believe that Jesus can take this away. Without giving me pain, without making me suffer. I have many people praying for me. Those who don't even know me. And for that, I am so thankful.

I can't wait until my next experience with The Grace.

I pray I can write about that experience tomorrow.

Humbly His,
L.