The past few days have been trying. As much as I try to live with joy in my heart and in my soul, deep down, I know it's just not real.
I'm just not happy.
What does it feel like to feel normal?
I just don't remember.
What does it feel like to not worry ALL of the time> All of you in blog land may not believe me, I'm sure. I worry ALL OF THE TIME. It's literally exhausting. And coming off of my medication isn't helping. Taking my medicine makes me feel awful. Coming off makes me feel awful.
Where is the balance?
Am I sharing too much?
I don't care. I'm calling out again. Jesus, please take it away. PLEASE, just take it away. Please let me feel like I felt when I was 25, and had no thought of death, no fear of dying, no fear of my girls being split up. Give me pain over this. I'll take anything, over this hell I'm in.
I absolutely hate falling asleep, because I know at 4:45 am (or earlier) I'm going to wake up, with a high heart rate and shortness of breath. I'll take my medicine and get some more sleep, but wake up feeling (and looking) like a complete zombie. But a zombie, with adrenaline surging through my veins.
Life just isn't supposed to be like this.
Waking up with shortness of breath is scary. It's SO scary. It's like I gasp and can't get enough air.
The other night I prayed myself to sleep. I prayed that God would protect Miles. I prayed that God would protect Maris. I prayed that God would protect Sean. And finally, I prayed....and I prayed...and I prayed, that God would take the anxiousness away from me. It was a repetitive "Please God, take away my anxiety. Please God, take away my anxiety..."
But again - He hasn't.
And it's so disheartening to know that I'm going to wake up one day, and it will feel like tomorrow, and I will be 50 years old. My girls will be grown. And I will have missed it all. I will have missed the true happiness of my daughters (even though I fake every ounce of joy I can squeeze out of my being for those two) and I will miss out on joyful moments that I should be sharing with my husband.
When does enough become enough? When will I finally get that peace that Jesus got, when He knew He had to get off of his knees and walk towards the cross. When will I have that kind of strength?
I know y'all are all probably going to think I'm losing it after this post.
I'm not losing it, I promise. I'm just desperate. Begging for normalcy. Begging to be able to give my WHOLE self, first to Him, second to my husband, and third - to my precious girls.
I may feel like giving up, but I'm not going to. I'm just not. I may need to take a time out every now and again - but there is no giving up in this life. Three years ago, I went through hell, and made it out, shining as bright as the sun. I will do it again.
The anxiety will NOT kill me.
But I am so weary, and broken hearted. Waiting on my rest...
HUMBLY His,
L.
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