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"O Lord, I have come to you for protection,
don't let me be disgraced.
Save me, for you do what is right.
Turn your ear to listen to me;
rescue me quickly.
Be my rock of protection,
a fortress where I will be safe.
You are my rock and my fortress.
For the honor of your name, lead me out of this danger.
Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me,
for I find protection in you alone.
I entrust my spirit into your hand.
rescue me, Lord, for you are a faithful God."

Psalm 31:1-5

Boy, did David know what he was talking about.

This is how I have felt all day. It just hasn't been a good one. I have truly learned what living minute by minute feels like.

I haven't had the strength the past few days to write about what I need to write about. This will suffice for now.

I have this crazy, irrational fear. I am so afraid of having an abdominal aneurysm. I have had CT Scans, sonograms, etc. And nothing was found. I know it's crazy but I am so afraid of dying in such a terrible way, with no dignity.

And I'm afraid of leaving my daughters. What will happen to them when I'm gone? Will Miles remember me? I know Maris won't. How will Sean think of me? And when he remarries, will she love my children like I do?

And God? How will you greet me? I am suffering here. Unanswered prayer after unanswered prayer, I remain faithful. Where are you, God? After three days of devastating thoughts, I feel hopeless. Please help me, God.

David and I feel the same. I feel like part of his prayer is arrogant and self-serving. So is mine. I should be praying for others instead of myself.

Is this HIS way of bringing me closer to Him? To get me back into my Bible? To pray more.

I'm so sorry that it took this, God. But here I am, offering everything I have to You. You know the time when You will take me. All I have is Yours.

Humbly His-

Lauren