I'm nervous about tomorrow's post. The discussion topic set off a huge tearfest during my last session with my life coach, so I know it's important enough to discuss it in a Blog about my anxieties and fears...and how I'm dealing with them. Tonight, I just felt like I would describe my first "major" panic attack, in preparation for tomorrow.
I had always been a nervous child. For some strange reason, I feared throwing up. When my parents would take us out to eat, I would sit in the car while everyone else enjoyed dinner in the restaurant. I remember my dad pulling the car over one night, after I had sat in while they ate, and he pulled me out. I was crying - saying I just didn't want to live anymore (I was just a child). I was too scared. And he calmed me down (in his own way.)
We've decided that it is my "loss of control." You can ask my friends, when I get nervous, I start pulling at my ear or I touch my collar bone/neck. It's a weird reaction.
I had enormous separation anxiety. When my parents would drop me off at school, it felt like someone had died. Seriously. I was so afraid I would never see them again.
My heart has never been a strong one.
I was driving home from a night shift at Emory. Home means Augusta, and I had just finished moving the rest of my things out of my apartment in Atlanta that morning. I was finally moving back to Augusta to get married and start a new life.
The excitement was real, but I was exhausted. Exhausted from a night of taking care of cancer patients (more on this, tomorrow).
My fiancé and I stopped to get breakfast, and something didn't feel right. And that feeling set off a series of terrible, intrusive thoughts. I got back in my car alone to make the rest of the trip home to Augusta. I began having trouble breathing. My lips started tingling and my fingers went numb. My heart began racing. I KNEW I was dying. I was having a heart attack. I called my fiancé and told him how I felt. He reassured me that I was fine, and told me to just keep driving. But I couldn't. I couldn't drive any longer. My breathing had become short, labored breaths, and my focus was scattered. I'm not even sure I knew where I was or what I was doing at that point.
I pulled over and called 911.
My fiancé was not happy (not the first disappointment my anxiety had caused, and for sure would not be the last). I didn't care. I was so thankful to see those lights and hear that siren from the ambulance because I did not want to die on the side of I-20.
The ambulance pulled in front of me about 3 minutes after calling and I wobbled out of my car. I'm sure I looked like a terrible mess. The paramedics (thank GOD for them) pulled me into the ambulance and hooked me up to a heart monitor. My heart was beating 165 beats per minute (normal rate is 60 - 100 bpm). They recommended I get to the hospital immediately.
Again - I knew I was dying.
All I remember about the ride to the hospital was praying that I would not die. And how hot it was. It was SO hot.
The paramedics started an IV, and gave me anti-nausea medication and a sedative. I arrived shortly at this small hospital in the middle of nowhere, and a doctor came and examined me immediately. I began to calm down. He questioned me about using cocaine, and I remember being so humiliated that I was being asked that question. Of course I don't use cocaine! He drug tested me anyway.
I passed.
He looked at my EKG and kept me on the monitor a bit longer. My heart rate dropped to 85 bpm.
The conclusion - a Panic Attack.
A panic attack? That's crazy, I thought. I was really dying. How could I "just" be having a panic attack?!?
Looking back on this day brings me great sadness. The fear and terror one experiences when they have a panic attack is unexplainable. Unless you have had one, you will NEVER understand what a panic attack is like. You may think you do....but trust me - you don't. And I lost so much that day. I lost my strength, I lost my senses, I lost all control.
I still don't understand what triggered that panic attack. But I think I'm getting closer.
More tomorrow.
Humbly His-
L.
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