The Bathroom Floor (Because I Will Never Forget that Night)

I crawled out of bed and went into the bathroom. I laid on the cold, dark floor in fetal position, begging God to take it way. I reached out and could feel the pieces of broken tile under me. I begged that floor to cave in. To swallow me whole. My entire world was crumbling.

I had a brand new baby in the room in between, and didn't want to wake her. But I shook violently. I was so very scared. So scared.

"What kind of mother are you, Lauren? What mother can't get it together. What kind of mother wakes up in the middle of the night, crawls out of the bed and lays on the bathroom floor? What kind of wife can't get it together for her husband? What kind of daughter can't get it together for her parents?"

Hello, Satan.

And I begged God to take it away. He didn't. Three years later, it's still here.

And I struggle today.

I imagine Jesus at the Garden of Gethsemane. I imagine Him on His hands and knees shaking violently. Knowing He was about to be crucified. But for what? And he begged God to take it away from Him. And God didn't.

Please don't think I'm comparing myself to Jesus, because that's like comparing a beautiful, shiny nutritious apple to a rotten, moldy potato with worms devouring the inside.

One thing of the many things Jesus had, that I lack, is perspective. I didn't have perspective on that cold, black and white tile. Jesus looked out over Jerusalem, with bloody sweat pouring down his face, and saw people, a city, a world, a UNIVERSE, that He had been sent to save. He had perspective. The cross was the thorn in His flesh, but it was one He knew He had to bear. Can you imagine the suffering?

And He was content with the Spirit's will. Why do I continue to fight God's will? Why do I try to fight my anxiety? Why can I not just let it go, let it fall through me. Jesus was human on earth, so am I. But maybe it's not meant to fall through me.

And so I'm trying to gain perspective. Maybe God has other plans. I pray these plans are to bring others to Him. I pray that I have so much more time left to do just that. I believe that this is God's plan for my life.

Please don't judge me for this.

Humbly giving it to Him-

L