The Grace

"Always, the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live." - Ann Voskamp, one thousand gifts

This woman rocks her words. They hit me, right in my stomach, knock the breath right out of me. She speaks TRUTH. She speaks REALITY. She speaks THE WORD. HIS word.

I have struggled the past few weeks. And if hell is worse than that, I for sure don't want to end up there. I have been so sleep deprived, that I honestly don't know how I've put one foot in front of the other.

Wait a minute. Yes - actually, I do know how one foot fell in front of the other. It's called "grace." The Grace. Want to know the most wonderful thing of all? God has an unlimited supply of Grace. It rains down on us daily. Now whether we choose to accept it? That's another issue entirely.

Today, I woke up and something was just different. I didn't feel well initially - but I put it out of my brain. Satan was not going to get me today. My house has fresh flowers, the pitter patter of feet on the hardwoods make my heart skip a beat. The handsomeness of that man, lying with one arm above his head in his recliner. I did swoon a little bit.

Grace.

The anxiety has been hell for two weeks. I've lost at least 5 lbs, but like the mirror, I avoid the scale. My ribs are visible, my collarbone protrudes. The bags under my eyes are prominent and gray. My skin is cracked and broken, as are my lips.

But today's Grace. I want to live. I want to celebrate. I want to love.

I am falling in love with Jesus all over again. His love for me brings me comfort. And yes, I'm seeking help, and still working with my life coach who breathes HIS words into me.

The past two weeks, I've been Daniel in the lions den. Gnashing teeth, drooling over my flesh, walking circles around me. The anxiety. But like Daniel, God's been watching over me. And my husband. And my girls.

It's time for me to live. By His Grace alone, I will. And I may be thrown into the lion's den again. That's okay, though. I know who's watching over me.

Humbly His,
L.