Unbreak My Heart

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matt 6:25-27

If I could only really trust this verse.

I have had an extremely tearful day, as Miles is leaving to go on another plane ride tomorrow. Of course she needs to visit her dad, and I would do nothing to stand in the way of that, but I just hate it when she goes so far away. It breaks my heart. She's such a loving child, and is becoming more affectionate and loving every day - her discontentment appears to be fading.

Love that child.

Yesterday, I began feeling ill on my way to work. I have done a great job coming off of my medication, not feeling many of the side effects I did before, so I didn't attribute my "yucky" feeling to that. By the time I got to work, I developed such bad indigestion that I took three Tums. The pain spread to my jaws and to both of my arms and my wrists.

And, of course, I got worried.

By noon, I called my cardiologist and asked if they would just do a quick EKG and make sure everything was fine. I was able to go in around 2 p.m., and was called back at 2:30. It took no time to have the EKG done and read. The nurse came back in and told me that everything looked fine, that I could get ready to go. I grabbed my purse and got up to walk back and the doctor appeared at the door.

"Your EKG looks good," he said suddenly, "but your T waves are inverted. Does that sound familiar to you?"

Wait a minute? How do inverted T waves look "good." I immediately got nervous.

"We're going to do blood work, just to make sure your potassium isn't low."

Blood work was done, and I was out the door, only to worry like crazy. 

Have I had a heart attack? Is my heart not getting enough oxygen? Why do I get these crazy cardiac symptoms? Am I going to have a heart attack....anytime now...?

Will this worrying add any more time to my life?

I know the answer to this question.

Worrying will not add any more time to my life. When God is ready for me to come home, I will. That is what I believe.

But oh my goodness, I am so afraid of leaving my two girls behind. 

My biggest fear - that they will be split up. That Miles will not be raised with her sister. I honestly agonize over this thought every single day of my life. 

So, friends, prayer warriors, all of those who care for me (or even if you don't). Please pray that this T wave inversion is just a normal variation of my heartbeat. But more importantly, please pray that I BELIEVE with all of my heart that my sweet girls will be very well taken care of if it should happen that I am here, on this earth, no longer. 

I NEED this peace. I never thought I could need something so much. And it's staring right at me. In HIS word.

And right now, I need to praise God. For healing me one day at a time. For His Grace. The Grace. Because other than the EKG scare, I so love this life.

Humbly His,

L.