Brutal and Honest

"Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" - Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Some people make friends so easily. I, however, have never been one of them.

I was always quiet, beginning in elementary school with the severe separation anxiety. I never wanted to talk to anyone in fear of bursting into tears. Middle school was easier. High school was terrible.

And it's gotten worse from there. I don't keep in touch with any of my high school friends, with the exception of my very best friend ever, who knows my heart inside and out. (No, Facebook friends do not count). In fact, Facebook is more of a memory book for my family, not to keep in touch with friends.

I don't speak to anyone from nursing school - maybe that has something to do with what I call "my past life."

I have never been welcomed into a small group at a church. I think this one really hurt the worst. While going through my divorce, a few women slightly older than me reached out and gave me advice, but not one person my age ever sincerely asked me if there was anything they could do. No one asked me to go to dinner. No one asked me to join their Bible Study. No one even asked for my phone number...or gave me theirs. I was completely alone in a time where I was grieving as if someone had just died. (And trust me - that grief never ends).

After two stressful pregnancies, and two painful deliveries/recoveries NO ONE (except for family) ever brought my family a meal. I didn't have a friend who offered to bring dinner and occupy Miles while I took a shower, because Sean was back at work.

Lately, with what I've been going through, dealing with anxiety and heavy heartedness, I have had four friends who have reached out to me, through my blog. And that has kept me going.

Sean and I do not go out with other couples, and many of our invitations to dinners at our home are turned down.

My girls are not invited on playdates, and I pray that that changes soon.

On the flip side, I know I've made my mistakes as a friend. I have neglected friendships and made terrible decisions, but the one person that I hurt the worst has forgiven me, asking no questions, and we talk pretty much everyday.

 But I feel like I've grown as a person, taking the lessons I have learned from my own error, and reading the Bible. In the entry way to my home hangs a painting that says "Love others, as I first loved you." Every time I see that painting I am reminded to go out into the day and love someone who may be going through a rough time. To take goodies to a family who has just had a baby. To love on a family who may be having a rough go of things.

And what people do not understand is that I am a very contemplative person - who is usually in deep thought. I don't not smile because I'm not happy. I'm usually just thinking about something that is heavy on my mind. I believe I have what they call "RBF," and I won't go into what it means, but basically I have to make myself smile. I love to smile, but it's just not naturally on my face at all times. And I already have wrinkles on my forehead from thinking too hard.

I absolutely know I'm not the easiest loving person on the planet, trust me. But I will do ANYTHING for a friend, as long as it is for the good of them and/or their children.

Please do not think that I'm lying on my living room couch, wallowing in self pity. I'm not. Sean and the girls and I have made a lovely life for ourselves, and we entertain with each other. We have our own games and have learned to "play" by ourselves. Miles is in ballet and being socialized in that aspect, and she also begins a "Molly Manners" class tomorrow evening. (Please say at least 10 prayers tomorrow that it makes a difference!)

I just don't understand why everyone can't love everyone?  I remember speaking to one person this summer, and her getting up from her seat and walking away. And that hurt has stayed with me for a few months now. I'm not judging - maybe she was just having a bad day. But it took a lot for me to speak to this person, only to have her turn away.

Really? Do people really act that way?

I am so envious (I know that's a sin - but I'm pouring my heart out here) of people who have friends they go out to dinner with every other week. Friends that have "Wine and Appetizer Nights" at each others homes.

No, Sean and I can't always do everything - we do have very important little people who take up a lot of our time!

But am I the only one who's feeling this way? That feels left out of things? Left out of the groups who have kids clothing parties, or those who go to dinner a few nights a month?

I am going to end this post on a positive note. Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to express myself through my blog. Thank you for the sweet note card, left in my work mailbox. Thank you for the multiple Facebook messages. Thank you for letting me know that you care.

And please - if you ever need a friend. Please call on me. I could use the companionship. And if you're struggling, please let me take you out for a cup of coffee (even if it is "No Spend September.")

Humbly His,
L.